I had debated with myself whether to post something as personal as this for a few days before ultimately deciding to go for it. Not that you needed to know that, of course. And it’s also not like you need this post. But I have been thinking a lot lately (well, I think a lot all the time). These past few days have been quite filled with conundrums.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about choices and paths, and how, at 28, I’m still not sure which road I’m heading. Does the road even exist? Should I choose just one road? What if I’m already on it but I’m too whiny and can’t see past the hurdles?
I’ve been thinking a lot about mindfulness and what I spend my time on, and how, at this point in my life, I find myself clamming up and questioning my decisions and capabilities and dreams. Am I doing the right thing? Am I sure I can do this? Do I deserve the good things happening to me? Do I know what I’m doing? Do they know that I question myself a lot?
Something good happened, but I knew that the happiness I felt after learning about that “something good” would last a maximum of two days. After that, I’d go back to doubting myself and doubting what I can do. And then it affects what I actually do. I make mistakes. I question myself again. The vicious cycle doesn’t end. I try to tell myself that it’s all in my head. If I breathe in and out and try to focus, I’d see clearly. The things I’m afraid of are not real.
I’ve been thinking a lot about how there are days when I feel like I don’t need more than anything I currently have, and how there are days when I feel like I’ve been missing out on a lot of things. I think about what to put out there and what I really want to say. Would this benefit you in any way? Why do I even burden myself with the idea of being someone who only gives “useful” content?
What I’m trying to say is: a few days before I turn 29, I am confused about a lot of things. But truly, my only goal is to be more grateful.